TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed in the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely out of spot. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have One more area where American Gentlemen can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer Every person a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It Trump Tower Damascus truly is that he should halt making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Room, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the creating's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting notice from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD can have flip-down service."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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